#87: Make Friends Where You Make Money
Early on in this newsletter’s lifecycle, I penned a post about the now concluded Apple TV+ darling Ted Lasso. In that post, I shared how we need more optimistic and hopeful shows like it, and how Ted’s character perfectly utilized a not so frequently employed character arc: the flat arc. Those words came shortly after I finished the show’s first season where Ted acts as a catalyst for everyone else own change and evolution. This morning, I sit here at the same computer, just two years apart from my earlier writing, having just finished the entire show. While the third and final season suffered a bit from production woes as well as a somewhat rushed ending, my initial assertion still holds true: we need more stories like Ted Lasso.
Reader, actually, I think it’s a bit more than that: we need to use Ted Lasso as inspiration for how we build relationships, connections, and community in our day-to-day lives. And, I’m not just talking about our closest friends and family. I’m also talking about our workplaces and the the connections formed there. Because Ted entered a workplace and transformed that space into something beautiful by fostering positivity and vulnerability, and the resulting beauty reverberated into nearly all personal and professional relationships of each character; transforming them into better people.
This morning, the holiday season and my birthday appear smaller and smaller in the rear-view mirror, and I’m finding myself reflecting on the past couple of months with new eyes in light of Ted Lasso’s finale. Reader, in that light, I’ve got to admit something to you: I have some pretty awesome friends at work. Aside from the genuinely thoughtful gifts and/or words of appreciation some of them sent my way, these are people I see day in and day out and generally care about. People that I share successes with, struggles with, questions, and advise with. People that, for better or for worse, I want to see happier. Sure, I’ve had significant friendships at work before, but it wasn’t until this year while sitting at my desk, writing little notes of appreciation before the holiday, that I realized the impact these friendships have on both my outlook at at work, productivity, and personal life.
Longtime readers of this newsletter and those who know me in real life, know what I do for a living. But, for the uninitiated, I’m a school librarian working in a combined middle & high school environment. When done right, a school library cultivates an environment that sits at the nexus of all things within a school community. Students use the space to work and socialize; staff members collaborate and grade; and maybe and most important of all, connections between all parties are formed. Reader, all of these elements are at play in our school library, on a daily basis too, and it’s also allowed for the blossoming of some pretty awesome friendships at work.
Reader, I don’t keep silent on this topic. I continually converse with those I’m closest with it on how we can make our space a better place than it already is. Knowing my desire to continually inject positivity and connection into our school community, one of my colleagues recommend Dr. Laurie Santos, a professor at Yale University, and her “The Happiness Lab” podcast. After listening to a few of my friend’s favorites, I craved more. Dr. Santos’s smooth and calm vocals radiated just as much happiness as the content of her podcast episodes. When I started to scan through the show’s back catalog, one title, in particular, jumped out and beckoned me to listen: “Don’t make friends where you make money.” Reader, I stumbled across this episode in the throws of the holiday season. Before my viewing of the Lasso finale but right in the middle of gift contemplation for both family and friends, with many of those friends being colleagues at work.
In the episode, Dr. Santos interviews Katherine Hu, a former student of hers, who in March of ’22 penned an article in the Boston Globe titled “My Generation Isn’t Looking to Make Friends at Work.” Here, Hu asserts that because of the pandemic, her generation (GenZ) were no longer making meaningful connections at work nor seeing the workplace as a significant community in their lives. “Put simply, workplaces will never be the social hubs they once were. On the most basic level, the new normal of hybrid work means that we’ll be spending less time with our colleges. This matters for several reason, but one of them is that perceived belonging to a community is often what encourages people to do more than is required of them.” While there’s no doubt the forced closure of physical space and adoption of remote/hybrid work set the stage for GenZ’s first work experiences, it is by no means a valid reason to reinvent the workspace to optimize comfort and connivence while minimizing connection. Because doesn’t remote work feel comfortable? Isn’t it nice to work from the comfort of our own home? From the comfort of our own pajamas? Of course it is! Reader, it felt that way for me, too, when my own school building was forced onto a computer screen in 2020. But doesn’t it also not feel good? Isn’t it also ultimately a lonely endeavor? Doesn’t it keep you isolated to the circles, big and small, that you’ve carefully cultivated? Doesn’t it easily facilitate a lack of empathy when it comes to the humanity of our own colleagues? Reader, it does that, too, and vulnerability in an environment like that seems anything but `possible.
On the podcast, Dr. Santos (a member of Generation X) understand why many people of Katherine Hu’s generation feel this way, but she attributes Hu’s conclusions to ultimately adding to the rise in stress and anxiety that many in GenZ face. Santos counters with studies on workplace friendships conducted by Shasta Nelson, author of The Business of Friendships: Making Most of Our Relationships Where We Spend the Most of Our Time. Dr. Santos conducts a similar interview with Ms. Nelson as she does with Hu, and in Nelson’s own research for the book, she reveals challenges that ultimately affect worker’s happiness. “Time and time again...,” Nelson reports, “people were like, ‘I don’t have time to make friends.’ That becomes the number one excuse. Like, people don’t have close friends.” Nelson continues, “the second [challenge] I kept hearing over and over was our employees have lots of turnover and they are not happy, and [their] mental health is an issue, and we don’t know how to help people feel like they belong at work.” The answer for both challenges, Nelson found, rests in both meaningful friendship and relationships at work.
A large part of Santos and Nelson’s conversation was centered around how we spend a lot of time at work with our colleagues, and how we need to take advantage of that time and shared space by connecting and socializing with those around us. Nelson shares an idea that I think we can all agree with, “We send our kids to school and we never say to them, ‘okay, now, when you’re at school, you are there to learn, and so that means don’t talk to people: there’s too much drama, don’t have friends because that will interfere with your learning. We understand, and that the more connected our kids feel at school, and the safer they feel, the more relationships they have, the more likely they are to thrive at school. And the same is true for the workplace.” Reader, think back to your own schooling for a moment. Wasn’t it your friends, social clubs, and the connections made a large part of your overall enjoyment? High school wasn’t always a wonderful experience for me, personally, but all the joy I did experience and the important things I learned are closely connected to the friendships and relationships formed with fellow students and teachers.
Shasta admits to Santos that she often hears arguments against friendship in the workplace, and these arguments convince some to keep their heads down. Common worries expressed by Hu; worries like favoritism, the spread of rumors, the development of cliques, and the isolation of those who can’t find a work friend or place. However, Nelson also reveals that her research shows “what we want at work are people who actually feel like we have each other’s backs, that we feel like we can show up as who we are…and every single one of us wants to feel liked…loved…appreciated…and known.”
Near the tail-end of their interview, Nelson and Santos start discussing the the three factors that are essential for not just forming social bonds at work but also deepening them: Positivity, Constancy, and Vulnerability. It’s in these three factors that my thoughts start connecting back to the environment cultivated by Ted Lasso’s titular character. “Vulnerability,” as Nelson defines, “isn’t about sharing your deepest, darkest secrets. It’s about demonstrating the softness and openness that pave the way for intimacy.” Looking back at where the Lasso characters start in the pilot episode, one could argue a lack of all three factors, specially the ability for the team to embrace vulnerability. Vulnerability, however, isn’t an easy thing to cultivate. It takes time and trust and a level of openness. It’s oftentimes an uncomfortable process that many people avoid. To that, Nelson often asks of workplaces, “When people are uncomfortable with vulnerability, I ask them, do you want a team to feel comfortable brainstorming and problem solving? Well, yes okay, that takes vulnerability. Do you want employees who apologize and forgive each other? Yes, that takes vulnerability, saying I don’t know, can you help me?” If you could find the soul or heartbeat of any relationship, personal or professional, you’d see vulnerability’s footprint. Reader, I think Ted Lasso knew this too when he arrived in Richmond’s locker room. It just took three seasons for everyone else to believe it was possible to attain.
Reader, I know life is not a TV show. Ted Lasso’s writers are carefully constructing characters to eventually grow and become vulnerable with each other. Life isn’t as simple as that, but I do believe we all can have meaningful relationships and friendships at work. Not with everyone, of course, and I don’t claim to have that depth with all my colleagues. Though, the ones I do have it with with, make all the difference in the world. They have my back when I need it, and I make sure I’m consistently there for them. Reader, it honestly makes going to work so, so much better, and I’m also finding, just like Nelson’s studies show, that the benefits of work-related friendships, transfer to your other relationships and overall happiness.
By podcast’s end, even Katherine Hu, who so eloquently advised against making workplace friends, eventually found the benefits of having one. Reader, it is this writer’s hope that you, too, make friends where you make money.
Thanks for reading.